BattleBots Episode 4 Preview: Tombstone Returns, and All of Your Bots Suck

We’ve got four more fights coming up ready to preview, but before we get into what you all actually came here for, I want to share how my day has been going. So far:

  1. It was an extremely boring day at work
  2. Somebody smashed into my car on the way home
  3. My grandpa is in the ER (he is okay though, but still)
  4. Somebody ate all the chicken that I was going to make for dinner
  5. According to Tombstone builder Ray Billings, Thursday’s episode of BattleBots will likely be delayed a week due to President Obama having a town hall on ABC. This is a national tragedy.

This has been a very bad day. I am not happy. I had already planned to write this preview tonight, so I’m going to do it anyway, but it’s going to inevitably feature maximum sass. I only wish that Chrome Fly was fighting in this next episode, because then I could write a preview that would tear it a new asshole (oh wait, Bronco already did that).

I am going to take my rage and turn this into a special Your Bot Sucks preview. These bots are all trash, and I’m going to tell you why.

Tombstone (1) vs. Escape Velocity (32)

Why Escape Velocity sucks: Escape Velocity thinks its all special just because it was made by some NASA engineers. Well guess what Escape Velocity: The producers at BattleBots gave you the 32nd seed. That is dead last. The producers think you are worse than Chrome Fly, a bot built by a kid who thought some thin lexan sheets were the ultimate Bronco-stopper.

I actually thought you might not be that bad. I talked myself into your launcher being decent. Maybe Tombstone will go after the spin bot, allowing the launcher to swoop in and get a good hit in.

Then I watched your fight when ABC uploaded it.

So to recap: The full-body spinner destroys itself immediately, and then the lifter — note how I say “lifter.” This is not a launcher/flipper — can barely lift Overdrive off the ground. Escape Velocity is a fitting name, because this bot deserves to be launched out of the stratosphere.

Why Tombstone sucks: LOLOLOLOLOL

Okay, I mean, I guess it’s in trouble if its weapon breaks or if it fights a heavily armored bot, but well, it’s fighting Escape Velocity.

Prediction: Tombstone shreds Escape Velocity into a million pieces.

Complete Control (10) vs. Warhead (23)

Why Warhead sucks: This is not a combat robot. This is an art project.

warhead_bot2016-1140x602

Warhead also has the spinning disc attachment from last season that it can use instead of the big dinosaur head. As you might remember, the spinning disc version of the robot got beat up by both Stinger and Bite Force last season. Warhead’s only victory of the ABC era has come against Obwalden Overlord, and I mean, let’s be honest, does that even count?

Why Complete Control sucks: Derek Young is a card carrying member of the Douchebag Society of America, and he’s not even from America. He’s Canadian.

I mean sure he might just be doing it all for TV, but last year he had the infamous #BoxGate when he sprung a net on Ghost Raptor to entangle its spinner. He’s also been somewhat open about trying to be the bad guy, and it’s not even the cool kind of bad guy like Ray Billings. Young is more like the “I’m trying way too hard to be the bad guy” kind of bad guy.

completecontrol_team2016-1140x602

What are they wearing. I mean really. What is this?

The actual bot is pretty good when it’s able to use it’s grappler to lift up its opponent, but if it faces a spinner that it’s unable to get around then… uh… well it just dies, I guess.

Prediction: Complete Control wins. I don’t really know how. It’s hard for me to see how Complete Control gets a good grip on Warhead, but it’s harder for me to see how Warhead beats a real robot*.

*I’m so sorry that I’m saying mean things about you Obwalden Overlord I still love you even if you never stood a chance in this sport ❤

Razorback (15) vs. Ghost Raptor (18)

Why Razorback sucks: Razorback got stomped by SawBlaze in its opening fight, and then it won anyway because the judges are the only three people on this Earth who understand the new judging criteria.

I was going to rewatch this fight to do some more scouting on Razorback, but it was so boring that it put me to sleep.

Why Ghost Raptor sucks: Last season Ghost Raptor made it to the semifinals before falling to the champion, Bite Force. You’d think that the run earned it some respect, right? Lol no.

For pretty much that entire run, most people I know reacted with “How is Ghost Raptor doing this? Ghost Raptor sucks.” And suck it did. Ghost Raptor is so bad that it got better when its weapon broke. Ghost Raptor’s spinner snapping against Complete Control is the best thing that ever happened to it, because it allowed it to basically transform itself into a big wedge bot which ate opposing spinners alive. Now that I think about it, Ghost Raptor is probably the reason why they changed the judging rules this season to discourage constant pushing this season. Now every time you disagree with a judge’s decision, you know what to do #BLAMEGHOSTRAPTOR.

I guess I should say something about this season. In its first fight against Son of Whyachi, Ghost Raptor spectacularly ripped itself apart with its own spinner. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen a bot actually tear into itself with its spinner before. It was really a sight to behold.

Prediction: I’m conflicted on what to do here. Razorback seems like it has the upper hand in the matchup, but its weapon hasn’t showed me that it can do anything significant. That makes me want to pick Ghost Raptor, but it could just self-destruct again. There’s not really an outcome that could surprise me here. Let’s go with Ghost Raptor. Sure, why not.

Son of Whyachi (6) vs. Poison Arrow (27)

Why Son of Whyachi sucks: Son of Whyachi is considered to be a legendary bot in the sport. So surely it can’t suck, right? WELL ACTUALLY… it might. In BattleBots competitions, Son of Whyachi has a career record of 11-4. That’s pretty good! However, in Season 3.0 it won the championship in large part because it exploited some rules in order to qualify as a walker, allowing it to pack much more weight than the bots it was fighting. If you remove all of Son of Whyachi’s wins in Season 3.o, it has a career record of… *drum roll* … 4-4.

Wow, that is painfully average. If we really want to nitpick, one of those four victories was in a rumble this season against Ultraviolent and Creepy Crawlies. Ultraviolent is a strong contender for worst bot of the tournament, and Creepy Crawlies is five 50 pound bots, so yet again it’s Whyachi destroying some bots its way bigger than. Pick on some robots your own size, Son of Whyachi!

Why Poison Arrow sucks: Who knows! ABC still hasn’t uploaded the full video of its fight vs. Mega Tento yet, and from the highlights we mostly just see Poison Arrow trapped underneath Tento’s shell, but still doing damage, and that barely tells me anything about this robot. Poison Arrow sucks because BattleBots doesn’t want us to know about it.

Prediction: In my bracket I picked Son of Whyachi to advance all the way to the quarterfinal, but that was before Red Devil dragged my bracket to the gates of hell and back. I like the idea of Poison Arrow’s drum going at Whyachi’s spinner and I think it could do some real damage if it’s able to take a hit. I’m rolling with Poison Arrow.

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